July 17, 2012

Taking Sides

I'll be honest, it's hard for me sometimes to be objective about a significant other type of situation. To me, there's usually always one clear "winner", so to speak.


I have a situation for you - tell me what you think.


Girlfriend and boyfriend live together.


Girlfriend works a 9-5 type of job with only Sundays off. She has not had a vacation in a little over a year.


Boyfriend is self employed, he works his own hours, sets his own hours up. Every day is a vacation for him. (So to speak...in the sense that if he needed/wanted to, he could pick up and go somewhere for a few days - as long as internet is available.)


Girlfriend finally has a five day vacation. She had a number of ideas for the vacation - some of it already planned. She made sure to tell boyfriend well in advance the days that were off limits for him to do anything work-related.


Boyfriend tells girlfriend about two weeks before vacation that on day #3 of vacation, he needs to attend a meeting with his friend.This meeting is beneficial for his friend only. Boyfriend told his friend he would help his friend out with his new venture - especially with the knowledge he can bring to the table and for support.


Girlfriend freaks out. She wanted to go somewhere for five straight days and not worry about work in the middle of vacation. She's upset...angry...hurt. She finally simmers down because she does realize that boyfriend is helping and supporting his friend...it isn't for boyfriend's benefit at all - just to help (which he said he would from the start.) Girlfriend starts planning a new vacation itinerary, working in the meeting to the vacation.


Girlfriend is compromising. She isn't necessarily happy with what's going on but she is biting her tongue and compromising.


Until boyfriend tells her that a week after their vacation, he is going to a sports match with his buddies. 


Girlfriend is upset. She is unable to go along because of her work schedule. She feels it is unfair for a few reasons. The first is that she finally has a vacation (after a year) with five straight days off. She all of a sudden is unable to utilize those five full days to her advantage and go somewhere where she REALLY wants to go because of boyfriend's loving heart. After getting over the reason behind why she can't utilize those days, she is upset at the principle of it...the fact that what she originally had planned she can no longer go. But that's okay because she just wants to spend time with him...so she compromises and plans something new.


But for him to then go on vacation again, a week later, she finds as unfair. He is obviously able to pick up and go whenever he wants. So why does the meeting have to be when it is...in the middle of girlfriend's vacation? 


If girlfriend was able to have her five days of vacation, where she originally had planned...she would not be upset that boyfriend was leaving a week later. BUT that is not the case...girlfriend is upset at the principle that she cannot enjoy their vacation how they originally had planned because of boyfriend (but she compromises) BUT he gets to go to a sports match as well.


Should he compromise with her and not go to the game out of fairness?




What do you think of this situation? 

9 comments:

  1. I don't think his going to the game a week later is an issue. The issue is that his friends have come before his girlfriend. In a committed relationship, your partner should be your #1 priority and he has not made that happen.

    In the situation of their "family" vacation, he should hold those days sacred except for a true emergency situation (which this is not). Helping a friend is nice, but it should not supersede his previous commitment of their vacation together.

    This is why she is so upset over the week later with the game. It is feels that, once again, HE gets to set his friends as a priority and she is an afterthought.

    She needs to share all of this openly and honestly with him. It isn't about fairness in their schedules, because they are so different, things will never seem "fair" (which means equal). It is about priority, and making sure that his relationship with her is his #1 priority, even above being kind and helpful to others.

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  2. I agree with Kate, he is not valuing his girlfriend as much as his friends.

    He should reschedule his meeting to accomodate his girlfriend's only vacation in a year.

    I think the girlfriend needs to voice her opinion, honestly, because he may not know how upset she is. :)!

    xoxo

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  3. I agree with the other ladies-I think he should definitely avoid the sports thing. Girlfriend should definitely say something! It is such a bummer that she isn't getting what she wants to do in the first place, because it seems that she has definitely earned it!

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  4. This is a tough one ... going on what you wrote Boyfriend should have let his friend know that he would be happy to help him, but that he had vacation plans that week with girlfriend, ~ friend should have understood and changed his meeting date. This would have been the best solution.

    Boyfriend, needs to be more appreciative of girlfriend's available vacation time, especially because she is not in control of when she can take it. They live together and therefore are a family unit... family vacation and time is important.

    Girlfriend also needs to think of herself. She should have stayed with the original plans and if boyfriend could not stay the duration - he would need to work that out. She only has 5 days and it sounds like she needs a break.

    As for him going off with the boys the following week ... that has no relevance to the week in question. She should not be angry (though I understand that is an automatic reaction). If Girlfriend feels Boyfriend is not making her (or the relationship) a priority, there could be other issues that are more complicated than a vacation.

    Good luck to Girlfriend ... let her know she deserves her 5 days, whether boyfriend joins or not. She may be surprised at how much sometime alone can really clear ones head. If she is in the habit of compromising, to accommodate Boyfriend's needs/schedule - he could be (unaware) taking her for granted. It's always good for women to show they can do things on their own (and do not depend on their partner for everything).

    Hope this helps..xo HHL

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  5. I think it is unfair for the boyfriend, after plans have been made, to say he is unavailable for part of the girlfriend's very small and rare vacation.

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  6. I agree with the previous comments.

    It does sound like the boyfriend may not be aware that the girlfriend is frequently making compromises (if she is) and this is a conversation that will definitely need to be addressed if that's the case, it's a much bigger issue than vacation.

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  8. I have to agree with the other ladies. Gf deserves a vacation after not having one in a year! I'm big on "I told you this millions of yrs ago...you should have listened and realized how important it was!" Lol
    I hope gf gets her wishes...she deserves them 100%!
    Xoxox
    Maria

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  9. BF needs to either not go to the meeting with his friend or have his friend reschedule it for a time outside of the 5 days the GF has off. No ifs, ands, buts, or ors. Not cool at all. It would be slightly more understandable if it was a really impt meeting for HIM but since he has NOTHING to do with it except offer a friend advice, he needs to put his GF first.

    sports match has nothing to do with the real reason so he should be able to go to that without that being big deal.

    <3 you cami

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